tragedy

i know i have so many things to be thankful for in my life, i am such a lucky lucky person.

but right now i can't help but feel down and depressed...

this is my tragedy :(

and so the fun begins

school has begun and i'm being a really bad student by not studying and cutting corners...BUT i'm having fun and i'm gonna make sure i keep having fun!

the thing about partying is that it makes weekends better but weekdays worse. now i find myself listening to "Dynamite" mid-week and wishing i weren't so depressed.

sigh.

how to strike a balance? OR AM I TOO YOUNG FOR BALANCE, WOO!

crazy days

oh hello there, i love your dress...cl at the hospital getting stitches.

life has been pretty intense of late...so stressful and so tiring. i really feel like i'm dreaming, and whenever i wake up from a nap i wonder for a moment if its over! haha. the song that best captures how i feel right now: RY CUMING - ALWAYS REMEMBER ME. i actually bought his album on itunes...WOAH. but thats how i feel...kinda floaty, semi-conscious, not happy, not sad, just passing time, wishing futile wishes about times past.

this morning when i woke up i found myself thinking of all the ways in which i could've died yesterday and hence not have to deal with today.

i have to stop myself from thinking those thoughts, because life is good, life is very good.

and i will find a way out of this mess.

now...

i need a smoke to take off the edge

i need to cook so i can remember what i love about being domesticated

i need to do investments and corp finance homework

hello saturday!

one day i will understand what i was thinking, feeling or wanting when i did this to us.

maybe when that day comes i will regret throwing away the best thing that ever happened to me.

but i suppose it would be way too late then, even more so than it already is now

i could spend a long time searching for someone like you and something like what we had.

this grief and guilt is very real.

sorry for taking you on this ride, somehow you're always caught on one.

you deserve another shot at real happiness.

gd luck to us all :)

identity crisis

coz i'm really going through one..its a huge problem.

what happens when you realize that you aren't any of the things you always thought you were?

maybe i'm being a little too melodramatic...

but i am a confused individual indeed.

i need to get back on my feet and remember whats always been important to me.

i wanna talk to my mommy :(

i'm so sorry.

my sky just fell :(

so i did my usual railway ritual the day before flying off...each time i come back i get more sad to leave. singapore is growing on me, i dunno if i can talk quite so much about leaving anymore...maybe that is no longer as important to me, maybe i've stopped feeling the need to escape from singapore...or maybe there's some other place that needs escaping from more.

and so i'm back at brown. how do i feel? i don't know. but summer has ended, and so will the many complicated affairs of those heady irrational days. i thought i had come to some sort of epiphany with regard to who i am, and perhaps i have, but i still need what i need more than want what i want (does that make sense?). and reality still rules the day.

till next time, summer.

dont mess

went shooting for the first time on sunday. pardon me, i'm wearing my ear muffler thingeys wrong. but it was awesome :)

so i'm home early for the first time in more than a week and everyone is fighting so much. its so sad and frustrating. i'm leaving in a week guys, i just wanted us to have a nice dinner.

and presentation tom...sheesh. boy do i wish i were at brown right now.

more gic fun

ca + sh + jamie + strawberries!

<3

chernwei eats with his fingers a lot but -gasp- here he is, using a fork and knife!

summer is ending so soon, there are 12 days left. i don't want it to be over, i've had so much fun and learnt so much..PLEASE DONT LET THIS END. i'm afraid that getting back into the routine of school will make me forget to live consciously, or at least as consciously as i have been these past 3 months. i guess i will eventually tire of thinking so much, but this process has been amazing. life is all about losing and the re-discovering yourself over and over again. the process of self-discovery, reflection and betterment should never stop. i will never be exactly the same me that i am at this very moment and i don't want to be.

today i said that i don't believe in true love or the one but i believe wholeheartedly in happiness and hope. this summer has been all about that - living in the moment and finding happiness and hope in the little things. happiness comes from within, everything else is icing on the cake.

last night i had a dream that i haven't been able to get out of my mind

i only remember pieces of it now, but i remember exactly how it felt

in that dream i'm always moving, running, flying away, sailing nowhere, escaping somewhere

like driving top-down on an endless highway in the middle of the desert

like being in an empty airport waiting for my next flight out

like standing by the ocean and watching the ships roll by, hoping to sail away somewhere

a part of me wants to wander and leave pieces of myself in different places, with different people

i am here but my heart is wandering, in search of something but of nothing at the same time

perhaps searching for myself

i need to remember this dream and this moment, this phase of my life when i feel so lost in my own thoughts

i love what i have and i love every part of who i am, real or not

but i am still lost in this dream

don't wake me up

don't make me face the reality of my mundane existence

don't try to keep me here

let me dream, let me sail away

boys become men

boys become men when they enter national service

-national day parade quote/quote of the year

stuff that caught my attention today:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/cifamerica/2010/aug/08/japan-postwar-compliant-us-vassal

http://www.eyeweekly.com/film/film/article/71567

i want to be a manic pixie dream girl! yeah yeah i'm not artsy or vintagey...but i wish i could be that flighty and free.

AH GONG IS MAKING HIS SPEECH NOW. cannot miss it.

KL

so we made this insane little trip up to KL...and i only stayed a day! haha, naise.

super nice (vintage-looking) beef hor fun

thanks chernwei for cutting off our feet...

i've been doing way too much thinking...and i'm so tired. i hate having to think about or answer questions about where we're headed coz i have no clue and it makes me sad to hear myself make cursory remarks that try to siam the real issue...like "see how"...SO SICK OF SAYING THAT...coz i don't see how.

help me, i can't be cured.

就算是擁有情人也解決不了的寂寞
我想我的心應該是缺了一個很大
很深
很絕望的洞

tired!

i haven't had much/any sleep in the past 36 hours but i still feel so alive! part of me wants to sleep but part of me wants to keep on going. life is so awesome, especially these weekends that last so long coz i'm up for all of it.

kinda miss riding, though i don't appreciate the backaches it gives me. i rode this tiny lil horse in china that looked damn shag after i was done, lol!

still really wished cl would come visit, but i guess its fine, we can hang out on skype :)

que sera sera

i wanted to live for love, but now i think thats too unrealistic.

coz there isn't anyone you can depend on except yourself (or god).

in the past i always believed love is worth fighting for. but the only thing worth fighting for is happiness. whether love is part of that happiness or not is another story.

happy birthday daddy

celebrated my daddy's birthday last saturday and it was mighty fun. we all look really similar in these photos...and so happy =) love my family.

also happy birthday to nat and yiming who turned 21 last sat. really enjoyed hanging out with yall, cant really explain how we became friends and kept in touch but i'm really glad we did and still do. i can't really understand what holds us together, its pretty mysterious! i keep thinking to myself that i should've made more of an effort to make friends in school especially now that i realize how plastic the world has become since JC. but i have you guys and i think what we have is simple and great.

space

i don't mind less contact, i kinda enjoy the space.

but when we get busy we should put in more effort to stay in touch, right?

and i don't know why you don't sound happy to hear from me...coz i always get really excited to hear from you :(

shag max

had my first call today! shag max! but the dude had a very sexy voice and he kept yapping away, so i just take notes ^^

alex came home today and my parents are also back =) super happy, the house has been too empty and dirty...hai i'm starting to really like singapore...shaggggg can't think anymore but kinda excited about work tomorrow, excited to bring all the stuff i learnt today from sexy-voice analyst back to my report

peace out

i survived

my first week of work! its been getting incrementally intense and complicated but i'm happy to be stretched. its all very intellectually stimulating stuff. if i had it my way i'd be up and about and meeting people more often, but as sharmaine says, its good grounding.

apart from all the research, reading and thinking i've been doing, this week i sent out my first emails to other analysts and next week i will be having my first bunch of calls with smart ibankers! the people in the office are really awesome too. i can't really get out of the school mode though, coz i always feel the need to have "homework", lol. but my overall impression of GIC has been very positive, its such a steady, down-to-earth place. no frills, no glam, but still very zai. one of the scholars in my batch already broke her bond to cross over the the sell-side, possibly with goldman, which is making everyone go a little green in the face. but its been a good thing to think about the opportunities outside as compared to here. makes you really understand and consider what you want.

i'm really thankful for what i have and also thankful that i have the ability to reach higher if i really wanted to. life's pretty good and i'm glad i have this blog to write about the phases i go though, my thoughts on the present and plans for the future. i'm immensely excited about growing up..but i shant get ahead of myself. i'm still a wannabe baby on the inside.

now i want icecream. OH and i want to watch despicable me. ITS SO FLUFFY!

exciting stuff

so life is kinda SUCKY now that i'm working! lol. i enjoy work, but now i have zero time for R&R. its a culture shock.

i'm in a pretty intensio place and my colleagues are mostly guys. oh and "the legend" is in this dept too, the guy who went to penn and did two undergrad degrees AND two masters degrees in 4 years and then came back to GIC. i think he gives the scholarship dept much hope.

yeah so, i'm happy to be learning a huge bunch of new things. its a steep learning curve but i like that i'm basically flailing in the deep end of the pool. i think thats the best way to learn. getting into the momentum/routine of work and thinking hard about my future.

really exciting stuff.

but nothing beats speedboating on a sunny day =)

posterboy

proof that chaolun does indeed exist!

will be starting work tom...SIGH.

i don't really know what i want to be doing with my time but i don't really want to do work thats for sure.

had a big family dinner today and the snooty-ness of my extended family continues to shock me.

hai. so depressing!

i hate that dotacast is now one of my topsites

HOME

i'm back from china. super happy to have access to proper internet. i've missed you blogspot blogs and facebook. i've been surviving on thesuperficial and celebuzz for the past two weeks coz china doesn't allow me to go on facebook but still gives me permission to view fake topless pictures of katy perry without the pink stars (www.thesuperficial.com is loads of fun).

yay home. i like visiting cl in china but i'm really happy not to have to deal with squatting toilets for a while.

parents are away too so its just us three!

some old pictures from my lunch with pat + anna before i left for china. will eventually get down to posting pictures of the mythical creature that is cl.

now to unpack

love coming home

a bunch of people seem to think i hate sg but i really don't. i love going away but i love coming home to friends and family.

dinner with the girls +1 was what it always is, super awesome =)

<3>

chijmes is a pretty place, lets go back again soon!

flying off again tonight but its going away that makes coming home great.

!!

i can't believe spain lost!

lets get started

that was me a good 7 months ago over winter break. time flies so fast and i have no way of recording it. so much stuff has happened in the past half year but its all a blur to me now because i didnt stop to write it down.

i dont know how often i will post or whether i will end up neglecting this space again, but its good to know that on my many sleepless nights i have a place to go.

on a separate note, if you haven't seen it, my room has been completely transformed, completely DIY, just my mom and i

BEFORE

AFTER

yes, i have a king bed thats made up of two single beds. yes, it is still messy as hell.

<3

hello

because i like to have my own space